Very healthy, hmmm? Moreover, being a non-smoker, my nose is extremely sensitive to cigarettes. All kinds of cigarettes. No exception. I can spot them 500 meters far, around the corner, the smell coming from my neighbour’s flat, in a airplane toilet . Sometimes I even believe that — when it comes to smoking  — I behave as a hunting dog. Always chasing a cigarette with my ears well upright.

Therefore, you might say that Estonia became a much better place for me to live after the smoking ban started 5th July 2007. You might think. But you are mistaken: although my nose is happier and my lungs much cleaner, my living standards deteriorated abruptly.

“What you are writing doesn’t make any sense…”

Yes, it does.

 

Romantic cigarette

This is a usual scene: my company leaves for a cigarette and always takes longer than promised. These five minutes are actually 15 and at the beginning I didn’t understand the reason why.

“I’ve just met a gorgeous girl…”, my friends answer proudly, still exhaling this terrible bad breath.

“How come?”, I asked the first time they came-not-that-fast to tell me their fascinating episode.

“Well… We stood together outside. Both of us were smoking… Nice chat…”

At this moment I can see the same “gorgeous girl”, long legs and firm bust, leaving the bar again. She blinks her eye to my friend. He gets crazy:

“Sorry… Time for another cigarette… Five minutes, mate!”

 

Hypothermia?

Cold is coming back these days but my luck will not turn, it seems. Always believed that autumn and winter would change this rude behaviour. Huge miscalculation:

1) a smoker is by definition somebody who boldly challenges hypothermia, somebody whose resistance is legendary;

2) if temperature goes under minus 20, smokers have always a backup, private parties, which are so smoky that I barely can participate.

No doubt that there are those souls who prefer friendship to nicotine-plus-girl experiences.

“I’d never let you down, my dear. I prefer not smoking rather than leave you here alone,” told me a friend a few weeks ago. Maybe there were just ugly girls by the door; maybe that night he had smoked already three packs of cigarettes.

Warm feelings. However, I’d preferred he had smoked instead: every time my friends try to please me, I see their sufferance and our alcoholic intake triples. They get extremely nervous and I arrive home drunk. Too drunk.

Not healthy either.

 

My future?

Since almost all my friends are smokers, my future in Estonia could seem cloudy. Hopeless. After a couple of weeks of reflection, however, I found a way to profit from that. I’ll set up a business: since Portugal is one of the last European Union countries where smoking is allowed almost everywhere, I’ll sell smoking packages to Estonian friends, acquaintances and readers.

According to my business plan, it consists of weekly charters operated by German airline Smoker’s International Airways (which is also preparing scheduled flights from Düsseldorf to Tokyo by the end of 2007). Sure, I’ll compete with powerful countries such as Greece, Denmark or Netherlands but I don’t mind: Portuguese flexibility and tolerance are proverbial, especially when police have to fine so blonde and Nordic tourists. They melt and this is added-value.

Remember: all trip is designed to improve smoker’ hedonism. You rule, you are the king. Simple (acronym that stands for “Smoker’s Improvement & Pleasure, Inc., the name of my company) will provide a mobile wifi lounge in front of Ülemiste  International Airport, where travellers can smoke while waiting to embark.

 

Rubik salvation

Some aviation advisors and tourism consultants told me this is a risky operation. It can work at the beginning, but we don’t know if Portugal will adopt this smoking ban sooner than expected (this Southerners are not that predictable anymore…). Second, the experts like to underline, is not obvious smart smoker will buy a Simple package:

“João, wait till they find it’s possible to smoke onboard airplanes if they deactivate toilet alarm with a condom… You should have plan B.” 

“Hmmm…”

As a potential businessman I designed C, D and E plans. If Simple fails, I’ll start trafficking snus from Sweden, maybe I can manage to create addiction among friends: I earn money and they seat in front of me.

The problem will be always that “last cigarette” outside — or, in other words, the nice addicted girl. Yes, I am also acquainted of that: if snus fails, I’ll start selling Rubik cubes in all bars and restaurants of Tallinn.

“Funny”?

What else can I do?

OK, you are right. That’s my E plan: I’ll start also smoking.